Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Randomize
