To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Randomize
