I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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