Dude my mom stole all your condoms
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Randomize
