Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
