You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
