He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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