i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
