i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
