I'm so fucking centered right now
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I think I sprained my soul last night
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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