Your face is a jimmy john
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
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