i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
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