Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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