my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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