I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
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