I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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