I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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