shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
