its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
