if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
