i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Randomize
