No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Randomize
