woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
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