awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
