Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
