Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
