she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
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