My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize