Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
