this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
