Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
