i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
My liver is preforming stress tests.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
