Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
