Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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