Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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