Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
