Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Randomize
