Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I think I won the penis lottery.
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Randomize
