I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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