I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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