is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
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