YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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