apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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