I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
The adults are the big ones right?
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
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