Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
