I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize
