Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
