I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
