This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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