omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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