Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
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