and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
