Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Randomize
