Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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