allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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