i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
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