I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize