these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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