Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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