I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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