Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
