my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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