May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
