I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
i now understand why vodka
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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