i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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