Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize