You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
