we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
