She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
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